breif start to something new

okay, so things are changing, that's natural, as time goes on people change, places change... as for girls, well they come and go, but each time they go its like a small piece of me goes with them, so after every breakup I feel less complete than before, but then at the same time other pieces add on, new Friends, new opportunities, liefs a balance, a very fine balance between good and bad, karma.

sometimes, like now, I just wanna be held and loved, sounds soppy but I dont care, we all need some affection sometimes, ah I hate this feeling of being loved but not feeling it, anyone get that?

Blossom

Its been a while, since ive been on here, I guess it takes time to build up the courage, sometimes, most of the time, I have the wildest of thoughts going through my mind from things that have happend and things im worried will happen, everythings changing at the moment, left school, trying to move onto bigger and better things, its funny how when your young you think 'I cant wait to leave school coz I can do what I want', if only it was that simple, so this part is about what ive noticed lately...firstly the weather, I always go on about it but its like the canvas to which our lives our portrayed on, sunny days = bright happy people, dull rainy days= dull unhappy people. everything blossoms in the summer; people,places,and emotions, its like our moods and emotions are emphasised, this can be good and bad. 

I've done no revision or anything, its like I need to do well in my exams but theres something in the way, I never did really like school but sometimes you miss the simple things, the people the classes, the atmosphere. I was hoping I could finish school and turn the page onto the next chapter of my life but nothings ever that simple is it? last few months of school, after all this searching and looking for a girl, looking for someone, I end up walking straight into them but as usual theres a few things in the way,,, I was hoping to leave school and move on but I cant do that if shes still in school, shes younger, is that gonna hold me down? she lives out of town, does that mean I wont really see her? shes sensible she knows this stuff will make it arkward aswel, but im determined to push through, after all, love conqours all right?  this goes deeper than I have ever imagined it to go, it started as a little crush with the ' shes cute' 'I like her', now my emotions go so much deeper, ive never really felt this way and I know we could be so happy together but she wont open up and tell me how she feels deep down, shes like me in many ways and were not the sort of couple you would expect to be together, but the fact is we get on so well and it just feels right. sorry im just waffling on now...I guess what im trying to say is live your life as normal and it will all come naturally, I feel slightly out of my depth now because I personally dont know what to do or where to go, with this situation, so im gonna carry on chasing my dreams and living my life, as for the girl I like, well ill tell her how I feel and see where it goes, if we end up together it could be potentially a life long relationship, if not then she wasnt the one and life goes on, one thing I do know is fate is around the corner... 

the weathers changing, becoming sunny, warm ( for England) and things are looking alot like summer outside, shame i cant say the same about me, to be honest i feel a bit weird, not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing, i guess the usual things you know? stuff that everyone my age feels, like; not long left at school, what happens after? is this the end or the beginning? i guess I'm just settling with work and Friends, starting to get my head down, well, sort of. with the pressure of exams on my shoulders it would be nice to have someone to turn to, yeah Ive got Friends and family to talk to but i want that one person who i can turn to and say ' I'm having a bad day' and for them to instantly know what to do. to hold me tight, tell me its all gonna be okay. that WERE gonna get through this. i bet i sound such a gay but truth is, i don't care, are girls the only ones that are aloud dreams and fantasy's? 

just recently Ive been trying to get back into things, dating and meeting girls, since my last last ex  i haven't been able to feel the same, every girl i saw or tried to get close to just didn't feel right then i sort of moved on, then somehow girls just dropped off the scene completely, but now I'm back onto it, trying and trying, i must seem like such a man whore meeting all these girls but I'm single surely I'm aloud to? 

i just feel like i need someone there to hold my hand and walk me the right way, to help me feel at ease with everything, some days i just feel like I'm worthless on my own, other days i feel I'm never going to find anyone that feels right, do i keep trying or do i give up? i just want to be loved and know that i have some sort of direction in my life, something to work with, cause at the moment, I'm stumbling on rocks, coated by the seas waves, as if I'm destined to slip and fall, the easiest thing to do is let it happen but i want to be flown out of here, brushed down, and move on. don't think this is all about girls or whatever cause its not, its about finding myself, but i believe to do that then i need, you, whoever you are...x

The surface of the heart

so, this is my blog, made by my good Friend Elspeth :)

she says these blogs are an easy way to let your emotions out, we shall see.

so, i guess life's not too bad on the surface, a few bruises visible on the skin but you would never know any different, until you look into the eyes, I'm not talking in general, i mean the very centre of the eye, its like a portal straight to the heart, and the right eye is like a key, as soon as  her eyes look deep into mine, just like a key,  they unlock my heart, (excuse the cliche). Ive had many attempts of finding the right 'key' some come close but others are no-where near and either end up shattering the very soul of me, others leave me standing, but in a position of utter sorriness and guilt possibly because of something i had done, but mostly the guilt i felt was just a mirror of their emotions but they were too scared to tell me how they felt. 

loves a tricky one, people expect it to just come and they know straight away that its love, others think you have to give it time and effort, personally Ive tried both but somehow nothing seems to come of it, maybe I'm not getting the right girls, maybe I'm looking too hard, so i decided to leave it, let the girl come to me, that didn't really work so i decided, i don't need a girl in my life, yeah I'm a flirt and i do like the women but i could do with sorting myself out but to do this, i need the help of someone so its like catch 22.

I have dreams and ambitions so when i get girls wanting to be more than mates or if i start developing feelings then i tend to become sceptical and nervous because I'm often the pessimist and think that when we leave school one of us will move on and I'm worried that if i settle down now, it will end up in tears and i really don't want that for me or 'her' , so i tend to lead people on without realising and then back off at the last minute because I'm honestly scared, i have so many dreams and most of them involve 'her' but i don't know if it will work or if i should live my dreams first?

well that's the first of many, you cant tell much from that but slowly and surely you will begin to see my world, my mind unfold, leaving myself completely open so one day i can show people and say, that's how i feel and I'm not ashamed cause i am my own person and i will fly, i will make it, one day, i just need to work it out and the rest will follow.